Introducing: The Warden's Companions!
by Look-Stairs
Summary: Female Warden in mind. Funny version of when the Warden must select a champion to battle Loghain at the Landsmeet. It's pretty short, give it a shot. Not intended to be 'quality work.'I can write better than this, I swear. ;


Arl Eamon: Before we proceed, perhaps you would be kind enough to introduce your companions to the Landsmeet?

Warden: Certainly, Arl. Let's see… Well, this is my dog, Dog.

Landsmeet: (Crickets…)

Warden: Eh-heh… Um, and you probably all know Alistair. Since he's the bastard prince of Fereldan, and all. He's pretty easily upset, or excited, or disappointed, or inspired… He's just generally emotional, actually. And sort of sappy. He's a bit uncomfortable in leadership roles, but he says he's not stupid, because they don't make stupid templars.

Alistair: (Facepalm)

Morrigan: (Smirk)

Warden: And this is Morrigan; she's a Witch of the Wilds, Flemeth's daughter. Well, actually she had me kill Flemeth, I think mostly because she wanted this weird Grimoire thing. She's kind of a bitch, and we'll find out later that she's only here to get it on with Alistair.

Morrigan: (Facepalm)

Alistair: (Smir-) Wait… What!

Warden: Moving along… This is Sten.

Landsmeet: What the…?

Warden: Yeah, I know. He says he's a 'Qunari.' Whatever. Anyway, I found him in a cage in Lothering. He's a murderer, but I got him out and brought him along anyway. And I took a few weeks to run all over Fereldan looking for some sword he lost. He's trying to figure out what a Blight is, so he can go home.

Sten: …

Warden: This is Lelianna. I met her in the back of a bar in Lothering.

Landsmeet: (Snicker)

Warden: No, no, not like that! She was just some crazy chick who jumped in and got up in my business!

Landsmeet: (Snicker)

Warden: Oh, grow up. Anyway, I told her to shove off, but she followed me. Said she'd had a vision of darkness, or something; I wasn't paying attention. Alistair said she was the fun kind of crazy, so I brought her along for entertainment.

Landsmeet: (Snicker)

Warden: Maker, what's wrong with you people! Get your minds out of the gutter! (Deep breath…) Okay, this is Oghren. He's a disgraced warrior from Orzammar. He's drunk all the time, and the sky scares him. His wife left him for an anvil.

Oghren: Sodding great sod…

Warden: And he says 'sod' all the time. Still not sure what he means by it. Shale talks funny too. Shale's a golem without a control rod. He's very dangerous, even though the only things I can apparently equip to him are rocks. He's paranoid about birds.

Shale: It speaks as though I should be tolerant of the winged terrors.

Warden: Right… This is Wynne. She's dead, but it's okay, because she's got a BFF from the Fade.

Landsmeet: o.0

Warden: And this is Zevran. He's an elven assassin from Antiva. He tried to commit suicide because he felt really bad about killing his last partner, but he sort of failed. I think he has a leather fetish.

Loghain: Wait… I think he's the one I sent to kill you! What the hell, Warden! How did you-?

Warden: ;)

Zevran: ;)

Loghain: … Maker.

Warden: So… That's about it.

Landsmeet: …

Arl Eamon: So, let me get this straight. On your travels, you've picked up a whiny bastard prince, a Bitch of the Wilds, a murderous animal of some sort, a crazy-ass bar chick, a drunk dwarf, a rock, a dead woman, and the assassin who tried to kill you?

Warden: And Dog.

Arl Eamon: … Right. And Dog… Warden, you _do _realize that one of your party will have to duel Loghain for the future of Fereldan?

Warden: Uh-huh. I choose Dog.

Arl Eamon: Uh… No, Warden. I'm afraid we cannot leave the fate of Fereldan to your dog.

Warden: But, he's a pure-bred, battle-hardened, honored Mabari War Hound!

Arl Eamon: Warden, he's a _dog_.

Warden: Fine. Well, I just introduced everyone in my party. You pick the champion, then.

Landsmeet: (Hushed silence)

Arl Eamon: …

Alistair: Not me, not me, not me…

Morrigan: Imbeciles.

Sten: …

Lelianna: This would make a lovely tale!

Oghren: *Burp!*

Shale: (Staring at Eamon) It is so very weak and vulnerable.

Wynne: (Completely relaxed… Wait, she's just relaxed, right? Uh, Wynne?)

Zevran: (To Warden) This may take some time… We could, perhaps, find a more _entertaining _way to occupy ourselves, no?

Arl Eamon: *Sigh…* Fine, Warden. Fine. The champion of Fereldan, to duel Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir, shall be… Your dog.

Warden: Alright! Go get 'im, boy!

Random, I know. I just think it's funny that your dog is flat-out NOT a possibility, given the way everyone talks about Mabari War Hounds. And yes, I know Alistair would be delighted to duel Loghain, but that's not very funny, is it?

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!


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